A Valentine’s Day Gift

By Pastor Jason Sharp 

We all would like to have a better relationship with our spouse. I can share that it is a personal desire of mine to continually improve the relationship that my wife and I share. If you were to Google tips for improving your marriage, you’ll find that continuing a habit of dating your spouse would be high on the list. You’ll even find reasons for this like “it’s cheaper than counseling or divorce” or “it models a healthy relationship for your children and those around you.” I’m going to focus on this from another angle: the reason dates are important is because it keeps your relationship in focus.

The Focus
What is the focus of a relationship? I’ve heard it said so many times that couples who broke up “stayed together for the kids.” When the children grow up that’s the end. Seems to me the focus was not where it should be. Yes, children take a lot of energy (I have 5, I know); they need parents with a healthy relationship though. Can we be honest for a minute? What is the purpose of your relationship? If it isn’t about the two of you, there is a problem. (Yes, I am a pastor. Yes, there is a spiritual component to relationships that means God has an ultimate goal here too—let’s be practical for a moment…) The number one issue in all relationships, and especially marriages, is communication. If you were to run down the other issues like finances, personality, and even cheating—you’ll find a root cause to be somewhere long before something happened: these two stopped communicating. I am not offering excuses or redirecting blame for what has happened in any particular circumstance, however good communication can prevent a whole host of other ills that relationships face. You cannot take your relationship with someone, especially your spouse, for granted.

A Lasting Benefit
When I was a kid my grandmother gave me Savings Bonds. She probably put $50 into each of them; some of them grew to $600 when I cashed them. Communication at all stages of a relationship is like this gift of compounding interest. Going on dates is the best way to communicate the priority and focus of your relationship. Dates are an event for the couple, the experience is something they only get to share in the present and continue to remember (not in your head, but talk about it, communicate) with each other. Topics of discussion on a date are varied, and I will confess that my wife and I have talked about the kids, finances, and even work while on a date. Yet, we also talk about ourselves and each other. The more you talk about with each other and the deeper in the content you go the better. Breadth and depth are vital. Quantity and quality cannot be separated. The more you communicate the better you’ll get at it, in other words, practice makes perfect.

Picking the Perfect Gift
So here is what I am advocating: Go on dates so you can talk! If you’re reading this, I have a good sense you’re involved with the Y! That’s a good place to start. Childcare is available if you need it, you’ve got an activity you do not have to pay extra for (like dinner and movies), and you have the starting point for discussion. The classes also provide ways of engaging together that can lead to further conversation. Surface level conversation, “What machine/class is next?” leads to “Did you like that?” and finds its way to “I noticed that you were not into this as much today, can we talk about it?” or “You were really at it today, what’s different?”

Dates are time spent together, from the romantic dinners out to the cuddling on the couch or even workouts. The more often you spend time together the better opportunity you have to communicate. The more you communicate the deeper you will grow. The best gift you can give to your love this Valentine’s Day is to communicate with them, assume nothing. If you haven’t been in the habit of talking with each other, start basic and explore your relationship together again. If you think you’re great at communicating, then look at how you are making each other a focus and priority. The efforts you put in today will be worth more than the candy, roses, and dinner you’ll talk over and they’ll be treasured more than any gifts of jewelry or gadgets too.